Day 4 of My Midlife Sabbatical

Day 4 was full of intense focus work.

I came up with my early plan for daily practices which includes, no phone, gratitude, planning and angel guidance.

I listed all the things of my past that I felt had led me off track with myself

I realized I don’t like to stand out or draw attention so I mold into the world I’m in:

I didn’t fit in high school – Council kid in rich kid school.

At that age I no longer fit in my neighborhood – fancy school instead of local school.

I didn’t fit in with girls – I liked sports and straight shooters.

I didn’t fit in the beauty world – horrible acne & thin hair.

I didn’t fit in Mormonism. – convert with no family, licked cupcake.

I didn’t fit in Utah – I stepped back in time here – too foreign.

I didn’t fit in my extended family – didn’t know all the unspoken rules, I’d never fit here but tried so hard.

The more I tried to fit in, the less “me” I have become.

I realized my “choices” were based on following an outside source for my eternal life plan of happiness. Each “choice” strongly limiting the next ‘choice” I believed it whole heartedly in my core. I was devastated when it all came crashing down and I was alone in the world again to choose anything but what?

I realized so many of life’s happenings are completely out of our control. An attack at 18 (i’m not safe) Parent at 19 (due to now being mormon and unprotected) Career didn’t pay well at first  (had to pause, I needed money) Married a narcissist at 19 (unaware of the mental abuse he was capable of) Got chased out of my home with a pick axe (Stayed at a women’s refuge/safe house at 22 , not safe in my own home) Dad dies of cancer at 46 (good guy, too young)

fast forward 20 years… Best friend dies of Cancer (good guy, so young) Son attempts suicide (debilitating) Son gets stabbed with a sword in my house(I can’t protect my kids) I could go on…

My point in sharing all this is that these messages, all born of my own personal experiences, have held me hostage with fear and feelings of “what’s the point anyway?” we have ZERO control but today…

I’m letting it all go. I am sitting here, breathing, feeling, smelling. and living.  Today, my kids are all alive. I am loved. I am needed and I am ready to make ALL MY OWN DECISIONS again because just maybe, none of that bad stuff I’ve imagined, will happen today.



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